Old Scores
by Julie Ann Pope
Summary: Another version of events after the end of series three, episode eight. Dave and Julie have a not-so-friendly chat which makes Gill reconsider the nature of her friendship with Julie.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** Another version of events after the end of series three, episode eight. Dave and Julie have a not-so-friendly chat. One-shot for now…

Julie had arrived at Sammy and Orla's engagement party late due to the fallout from Gill's kidnapping. She'd had meetings and de-briefings not to mention the mass of paperwork and red tape she had to battle through before she had even been able to think about leaving her office. Julie would only admit it to herself, at this very late hour, that some of her tardiness had also been down to her own thoughts about the day's events. They had been whirling around her head on a continuous loop since she'd managed to leave the RED Centre and she'd driven herself mad by imagining all sorts of alternative versions of the day's events.

Gill had been busy entertaining guests that had needed to be entertained when she'd turned up, so Julie had headed straight to the kitchen where the alcohol was and helped herself. She'd been to enough of Gill's parties to know what the usual set up was by now. Julie poured herself a nice big glass of red wine and nearly jumped out of her skin at the sudden sound close behind her.

"Well, well, well…look who it is, the rugmuncher." The baritone voice made Julie sigh deeply in frustration; she could do without this, tonight of all nights.

"Dave." Julie turned round and acknowledged the ex-husband of her best friend. She did wonder sometimes what Gill had seen in him but it wasn't really her place to question, besides what did she know anyway?

"Still not made a move on her I see?" Dave leaned in closer to speak in her ear and it sent a little shiver down her spine in the uncomfortable way. Julie had no idea how Dave had worked it out and fortunately she'd managed to avoid confirming anything which is probably why he'd not accidentally let it slip to Gill after all this time.

"Still living with your mother I hear?" She knew that the young PC he'd managed to get pregnant had kicked him out and that he was living back with his mum. Gill had kept her well and truly up to date on that score.

"At least I'm not working all the hours just to avoid going home to an empty house." Whilst it was partly true, Julie did have a senior position at Manchester Metropolitan Police's HQ, a couple of ranks more senior than Dave, and it was an unwritten rule that she was obliged to work long hours. Besides, she was passionate about her career and wouldn't have wanted to do anything less than a proper job.

"Would you like to take this outside Dave?" Julie heavily suggested, having had enough of being her usual witty, laid back self and wanting to vent all her frustration from the awful, awful events of the day out on someone who she felt deserved it.

"What?! You think you could get one over on me? Come on then, I'd like to see you try." Of course Dave had to take things a step too far and pushed himself right into Julie's personal space. She was a tall woman but Dave still had several extra pounds and a whole lot of testosterone on her.

"Oi, oi, oi!" Gill wedged herself in-between the two feuding party guests. Despite her slight build she was usually a dab hand at breaking up fist fights. And she'd been in more than a few to know. "Right, _you_ go upstairs," Gill pointed at her best friend and told her in no uncertain terms "and _you_ a word." Gill indicated to Dave that they should go outside. Gill took Dave into the front garden instead of the back where the smokers were gathered and puffing away. "What the fuck do you think you're playing at? This is our son's _engagement_ party, do you want to spoil it for him and any tentative relationship the two of you still have? I was very nearly killed today, perhaps you ought to think about that too and how Sammy might be feeling at the moment?" Dave looked suitably chastised, although it was hard to tell as he seemed to be sporting a permanently smug look these days despite his absolute mess of a personal life. Perhaps she had just realised that he'd always looked like that?

"I'll go and find the boy and apologise." Dave offered, although Gill wasn't entirely convinced it was sincere.

"So you should. What on earth was that all about anyway?" Dave and Julie had never had an argument like that before, a bit of sniping and the odd sarcastic barb here and there but nothing ever physical or at least almost physical.

"Ask _her_." Gill's ex-husband spat out the pronoun with such disdain she was shocked. She understood that not everyone got on with Julie, she could be serious and strict when the occasion called for it and she didn't suffer fools well. But Gill saw past her professional persona and knew that there was a deeply caring, emotional person underneath it all and a friend that would defend her to the hilt.

"I'm asking you." Gill was going to get Julie's side of the story anyway, but she wanted to hear what Dave had to say first.

"Look, I just don't like 'er alright?" It didn't make much sense as they'd always been pleasant to each other in the past. Gill's copper's nose had her thinking that something had happened to trigger this latest spat.

"Then don't make a point of picking a fight with her then! If it was nothing then you'd be able to let it go. What's really going on with you two?" She thought she would call Dave on it and see what he would say. If he wasn't forthcoming she knew that she'd be able to wheedle it out of Julie eventually.

"If you haven't worked it out by now then you're not as good a detective as you think you are." Gill's stomach dropped at the implication and she could feel her world caving in on her for the second time that day. It was accompanied by a very odd emotional reaction to her best friend's betrayal that she couldn't quite decipher in that moment.

"Please don't tell me you two…?" Dave looked at her face and saw how utterly distraught she appeared to be. He supposed that was a result of what his infidelity had done to her emotional state and for that he was genuinely sorry.

"Oh god no! Don't make me throw up! Nothing could be further from the truth." The relief was overshadowed by confusion at just what on earth he _was_ getting at. Gill knew that she'd had a fair amount to drink, but that was hours ago now and she'd stuck to soft drinks since she'd joined the party so she was pretty much sober again.

"Then what? I don't understand." Dave threw his hands up in the air in defeat. He was going to have to spell it out for her, which pained him no end because for some reason he had the awful feeling that Gill might just feel the same way.

"She's in love with you yer daft cow! God woman! You really need to wake up one of these days." It was a cheap shot and Dave knew it. He suspected that if she hadn't been so blinded by Julie bloody Dodson she might have noticed that he had a wandering eye much earlier. He knew it was no excuse for his behaviour and that his first affairs had started long before he had his suspicions about Julie's feelings for his wife but it had still felt like a punch in the gut when he had realised. He watched in fascination as Gill did a terrific impression of a fish, shook her head in disbelief and walked back inside the house. He plonked his backside on the low brick wall by the front gate and stared out into the night sky in front of him.

* * *

Julie sat on the edge of Gill's bed and held her head in her hands. She was an idiot! Dave had always known what buttons to push and she reacted to it every bloody time! She partially forgave herself after the emotionally wrought day she'd been through as well as being absolutely shattered from having to plough through all of the follow up work. Still, it was no excuse to pick a fight in the middle of Sammy's party and she'd have to be especially sorry when Gill came up to speak to her. She and Dave had never really hit it off and she was certain that he'd always been jealous of their friendship. Perhaps that's why he had worked out her feelings for Gill long before she'd even really acknowledged them herself? He'd started out by making the odd snide comment which Julie had thought nothing of until she was subjected to it every single time she saw him and it got nastier and more crass on each occasion. He finally cornered her one time at HQ in the middle of the day and confronted her outright about her feelings for Gill. Fortunately she had managed to keep her cool and gave nothing away but it had unsettled her and afterwards she'd spent a long time soul searching.

Gill took her time to walk up the stairs so that she could collect her own thoughts. Surely Dave had been winding her up? Julie was her best friend, she was honest and open about everything and Gill couldn't imagine that she would have been holding something as big as this back from her. She approached the open door and saw the woman in question sitting on her bed seemingly deep in thought. She thought back to a moment ago when she had thought that Dave and Julie might have slept with each other behind her back. Again, a strange feeling ran through her but she shook it off and entered her bedroom. Gill shut the door behind her and leaned back against it as she took a long, hard look at her friend. Julie looked up at her host and gave her an apologetic smile.

"I'm so sorry Gill, I don't know what came over me." Gill held her hand up to stop Julie apologising any further.

"He's a wind-up merchant and you played right into his hands. It's not your fault, not really." Gill shook her head along with her words in emphasis.

"Still, it's Sammy's party and after what you've been through today life's too short for petty squabbles. On that note, I am pretty knackered so I think I should head off home now." Gill pushed herself off the door and went to sit next to Julie on the bed. She leaned her head against her shoulder and took hold of a hand that had been resting in her lap.

"No don't. Stay, overnight. I could use a friend right now." Julie wrapped her free arm around the smaller woman and squeezed her further into her side.

"Oh love!" They sat there in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts as the party continued in full swing downstairs without them. Julie rested her head against Gill's and stroked her thumb across the hand that Gill had placed in hers in a gesture of comfort. Gill snuggled further into the embrace and Julie suddenly felt her body gently shaking. She quickly realised that Gill was crying and her heart ached so badly for her best friend. Julie turned herself slightly to face Gill better and placed a kiss to her forehead. The ache in her heart swelled with the sound of a sniffle and Julie felt the overwhelming urge to do more. She was so completely torn between offering comfort and keeping her feelings in check but her own tears fought their way through and she couldn't help but cry softly alongside her friend. They sat side by side on the bed as they simply held each other and relished in the comfort they both so desperately seemed to need.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far. This story appears to have taken on a life of it's own and now has four chapters! Enjoy x

**Chapter Two**

Eventually Julie separated herself from Gill enough to look at her face to face. She reached out and brushed the fallen tears from her cheeks and took her chin in her hand. She couldn't explain why she had decided to put their entire friendship on the line in that moment but she leaned in to place a gentle, wet kiss to Gill's lips anyway. Gill had seen the evidence of Julie's own heartache and had met her halfway to kiss her back. Once the brief kiss had come to it's natural conclusion they both pulled away to look at each other once again, their eyes wide in surprise as they searched for a sign of explanation or confirmation.

"I…" Julie opened her mouth to apologise but Gill interrupted her.

"Ssh…" She leaned in and kissed Julie a couple more times which was the older woman's undoing. She could only hold herself back for so long when faced with the one thing she had wanted for so many years. Julie kissed her best friend passionately, one hand threaded it's way through her hair and cradled the back of her head, the other held her face in it's palm to bring her lips closer. Julie still had a few niggling doubts at the back of her mind but the haze of lust took over her brain and all her worry and frustration from the day's events came out in showing Gill just how much she was loved.

Gill struggled to find somewhere to put her hands having wrapped them around Julie from her awkward position sat on the bed. She ran them up and down the older woman's back before she settled on the front of Julie's striped work shirt. She must have come over straight from HQ and Gill didn't have to use much imagination to know just how much paperwork her little jaunt to Flamborough would have generated. Gill placed her fingers on the buttons of Julie's shirt and began to undo them one by one as she continued to kiss her best friend passionately. Gill got halfway through and realised that it wasn't going to work with them both sitting down so she broke off the kiss and pulled Julie up by the hand. Stood in yet another pair of her brightly coloured heels, Julie was ever so much taller than Gill. Fortunately Gill had undone most of her shirt buttons and was left to pull the tails out from having been neatly tucked into Julie's trousers. Gill unfurled each half of the shirt and pushed it over Julie's shoulders, down her arms and off her body entirely. The taller woman stood there in a soft black bra, the lean muscles of her torso straining with the effort of holding on to some sort of control. Gill placed her lips over Julie's belly button and ran her tongue in and out of the dip a few times before leaving a wet trail of sloppy kisses all the way up her sides, between her breasts, up to her collarbones and round her neck to behind her ears. Julie squirmed and wriggled in Gill's hands so much that she would never have been able to deny her arousal even if she'd have wanted to.

"On the bed." Gill instructed Julie and the older woman complied instantly by climbing backwards on top of the duvet to the middle of the bed and kicked off her heels along the way. Julie was grateful for the order as she didn't think she would have been able to continue standing for much longer. Gill gently pushed her down fully on her back, her knees either side of her hips to hold her in place. She sat back on her calves and unbuckled the belt at Julie's waist. She pulled it through the loops of her trousers before flinging it somewhere on the bedroom floor. She wasted no time in unbuttoning the fly and then pulling the zip down as far as it could go. Gill scooted off the bed and tugged on Julie's trousers to try and get them off; the trouble was that they were well fitted to her waist so Julie needed to give her a hand to get them down to her thighs. Once there, Gill pulled off first one leg and then the other and threw the offending garment on the floor somewhere in the vague direction of the shirt and belt. Julie's long and lithe body lay on top of Gill's purple striped duvet, her chest heaved from the physical effort and anticipation of what was still to come. She was unused to someone else taking such control and had never quite imagined Gill would have been so amenable to the idea of them becoming romantically and physically entwined. Gill needed to regain some of the control that Helen had taken away from her earlier that day. Despite the fact that she hadn't spoken to Julie about what Dave had told her earlier, she instinctively knew that Julie would trust her and be compliant. Their entire friendship had been effortless, sometimes understanding things without the need for words and sharing the same unique brand of dry, sarcastic humour. It was unsurprising that when it came to making love with each other it would follow the same vein. Gill pushed down her skirt and let it drop to the floor, she stepped out of it and kicked off her own flatter heels as she did so. She crawled back on the bed and hovered over the prone woman ready and waiting for her. Their lips met in a passionate kiss once again and Julie managed to gain control long enough to pause proceedings for a moment. She cupped Gill's cheek and pulled far enough back to look her in the eye.

"Are you really sure about this?" Julie brushed some of the hair that had fallen haphazardly in front of Gill's eyes out of the way for a moment. Gill deflated slightly at having been stopped mid-flow and let the full weight of her body rest on top of Julie's.

"I can't think beyond tonight but trust me, I do want this. I want you, have done for god knows how long without realising it until now. Is that enough?" Gill's voice was breathy and hoarse, partly from their exertions and partly still from the belt that had been tightened around her throat. For Julie it wasn't quite enough; she needed to know that Gill wasn't going to regret it in the morning because she was absolutely certain that she was seriously in love with her best friend. If nothing else, she wanted their friendship to remain intact as she couldn't imagine life without Gill, even if it meant she had to set her own feelings aside and accept that they would only ever be just friends. Julie's thoughts were interrupted by Gill's knee insinuating itself between her legs and she began a rhythm that would stay with them for the rest of the night.

"Ohhhh…" Julie breathed out heavily as Gill continued to use her knee and then her thigh to excite and stimulate her almost-lover. Julie's rationale fell to the wayside in a haze of love and lust and she grabbed the hem of Gill's evening top and pulled it up her body and off over the top of her head. Their lips crashed together once more and Julie reached around Gill's back to unclasp her bra as their tongues met and danced together in each other's mouths. The straps fell down Gill's arms and she balanced herself on one arm and then the other as she allowed it to fall off completely. Julie used that split second where Gill was unbalanced to switch places so that she was now on top of Gill.

Julie wanted to weep at the sight before her, the woman she had loved so dearly but so secretly for years was flushed with heat and lust and want, for her. They continued kissing as Julie ran a hand up the length of Gill's torso and paused to cup a small but perfectly formed breast, rubbing it's nipple into a hard peak as she did so. Julie's mouth soon took over from her fingers and she laved at the sensitive nub as she paid attention to the other breast with her free hand. Gill's little gasps and moans encouraged Julie to continue, alternating her attention from each breast in turn. Gill's hands entwined in her mid-length blonde hair and held her head in place as though she were telling her not to stop. As if Julie had much self control left! The older woman let her kisses drift downwards, underneath Gill's breasts, over her ribcage and down each of her sides where Gill squirmed and wriggled further from the stimulation. Julie grew ever closer to her intended target but chose to leave the sensitive bundle of nerves until last. Instead she nibbled and licked at each thigh, behind Gill's knees, down her calves and along her foot to each toe and back up to her bellybutton. Gill was gasping and breathing as though she had run a marathon and Julie seriously wondered if she had enough stamina to make it to the climax. Julie's head was yanked upwards and her lips were caught in a bruising kiss.

"Don't…you…dare…stop!" Gill gasped out in-between kisses and any doubt that Gill wasn't one hundred percent sure of what she wanted was temporarily displaced as Julie took her instruction to heart. Back down she went, taking a little time to pepper her journey with extra kisses and attention in places other than where Gill was expecting. This time she ran her tongue over the front of Gill's soaked underwear to tease her before pulling her knickers down her legs and off. Julie settled herself on her front between Gill's legs as she kept them apart with one hand under a thigh and the other was held down by the crook of her arm. She ran her tongue over her slick folds spreading her wetness all over, and then stiffened her tongue and let it find it's way right inside the very core of Gill's sex. She thrust her tongue in and out trying to get back to that rhythm Gill had started earlier. Gill writhed in time with Julie's ministrations and a string of unintelligible "Ohs" and "ahs" along with some other colourful words flowed from her mouth. After a while Julie withdrew her tongue from Gill's sex and took her arm off her thigh so she could instead insert first one and then two fingers. Gill held her own legs apart while Julie kept the well established rhythm going. She continued to lap at the slippery wetness of her labia before catching Gill's clit gently in her teeth. She latched on and ran her tongue over the sensitive nub frantically and felt it engorge and pulsate in her mouth. Gill's body and limbs twitched and spasmed and she lost complete control of herself as she climaxed hard around Julie's fingers and tongue. Julie crawled her way back up along Gill's body so she could greet her with a sticky, sweet kiss. A hand cupped her sex and gently stroked and soothed Gill's orgasm and it's aftershocks to completion.

Gill blindly pulled back the duvet and settled herself in Julie's arms in a post-coital haze underneath the covers. It wasn't long before she had fallen asleep, Julie's body wrapped around hers like a protective blanket. Julie couldn't sleep, daren't sleep, for fear of what the morning would bring. She was certain that Gill would come to regret it and couldn't help the tears that fell from her eyes as her heart clenched painfully in anticipation of the heartbreak to come. She was too exhausted and too over stimulated to leave so instead held her best friend tightly and prayed that everything would be okay when she awoke.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Julie had almost dozed off when she became aware of a tentative knock on Gill's bedroom door. She wasn't quite lucid enough for it to register until the door opened ajar and Sammy's face appeared. For a few seconds neither of them reacted, although Julie was sure that Sammy's embarrassment was probably worse than her own. She'd stayed over countless times before; so finding her sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee in a towelling robe and wet hair the next morning wouldn't have been so unusual. Laying in his mum's bed, holding her in her arms, both obviously naked with their clothes strewn about the room was another matter entirely. Sammy cleared his throat softly having mustered up the courage to speak first.

"Sorry, just wanted to check where she was." He whispered, careful not to wake his mum after the ordeal she had been through that day. He thought that she was probably in need of an undisturbed night's sleep. "I'll just…um…" He indicated that he was going to leave with a nod of his head but Julie felt that she should say something, to at least attempt an explanation.

"Sammy…I'm sorry, it's not what you think…well it is but I don't know what..." Sammy shook his head politely and interrupted her before she gave him too much information.

"It's none of my business, not really. Just…look after her." They exchanged a brief smile in understanding. They'd known each other for so long that Sammy had grown up thinking of her like an aunt. She had been Gill's closest friend in all that time, even though she'd known Janet longer, and Sammy trusted Julie more than anyone else he knew.

"I always do." Julie reassured the young lad and only relaxed once the door had been firmly shut behind him.

* * *

Julie stirred gently as she became aware of the fact that she was awake. She instinctively tightened her grip on the warm body she held in her arms before realising with a jolt where she was and who she was with. Gill moved gently and moaned softly as she slowly awoke. She gripped Julie's arms tighter around her body for a few seconds before slowly turning herself over to face her best friend.

"Hi." Gill greeted the taller woman shyly but smiled as she said it to allay any initial fears Julie might have had.

"Hi." Julie responded in kind and noted Gill's smile but it didn't stop her heart from almost beating out of her chest and the worry creeping into her mind. Their arms were still around each other in an awkward embrace but Gill slipped a hand free to stroke Julie's cheek and then ran it through her hair.

"I believe we didn't quite finish what we started last night…" Gill suggested seductively and stretched her neck up to place a languid kiss on Julie's lips. Julie returned the kiss but caught Gill's wandering hand in hers. She laced their fingers together and held the hand firmly. The stark reality of yesterday's events was brought to the forefront of Julie's mind at the sight of the red marks around Gill's neck and the colourful bruising that now ran around their edges.

"Gill…as much as I want to, I think we need to talk about this first." Gill licked her lips and a shiver went through her as she realised that she tasted Julie on them. She nodded gently and ran her thumb over the hand Julie held. Julie looked directly at Gill. "What are we doing?" It was said kindly, a simple and valid question really but one with answers that had serious repercussions. Julie knew how she felt and what she wanted but she needed Gill to be in the same place and to tell her what she was thinking.

"I don't know. I only know that I want this and that it feels right. Beyond that…I suppose I need time to think, to get over what happened with Helen and work out what all this means." Julie nodded and took a deep breath.

"Then I should give you that time. But I think it's only right that you know how I feel." Of course Julie had no idea that Gill already knew from Dave but even if she had've done she needed to say the words herself. Julie sat up straighter in the bed, keeping the duvet pulled up under her armpits to cover her chest. "Gill, I've known you a long time and somewhere along the way, somehow, I fell in love with you. I wasn't looking for it and I could have done without Dave picking up on it and trying to use it against me before I'd even worked it out myself. Which, by the way, is what our barney last night was all about, but that's by the by. Whatever you decide, however you feel, I want you in my life. Even if it's just Gill Murray, mad cow, sarcastic bitch and best friend, because you gave me one hell of a shock yesterday and I know that I can't live without you." It was out there now and despite her nerves Julie felt as though a weight had been lifted from shoulders her after so many years of keeping her feelings to herself.

"Dave said as much last night after I had separated the pair of you and took him outside for a word. When he tried to tell me that he knew how you felt about me, I thought for one awful moment he was telling me that you had slept together. I couldn't understand where this sudden raging jealously and intense hurt had come from and then I came upstairs and saw you sitting here. Something just fell into place in that moment. You know me Julie, I don't take what we did last night lightly and we wouldn't have gone that far if I didn't feel something more for you." Gill paused to share a smile with Julie at her revelation. "Reluctantly though, I do think that I should deal with yesterday before we make any big decisions about what the future holds. I hope you understand?"

"Of course I do love, that's why I asked." They smiled softly at each other before Julie remembered that she had something else to tell Gill and took a deep breath. "Look, I should probably also tell you that Sammy came in here last night, while you were asleep."

"What?" Gill valued her privacy and had taught Sammy early on that if he valued his then he would have to treat her accordingly. He'd never just come into her bedroom without her express permission first.

"He just wanted to see where you were. We did disappear from the party early without speaking to anyone, especially after all the fuss with Dave and everything else yesterday." Julie hoped that poor Sammy wasn't in for a telling off.

"I suppose I can't really blame him for being concerned. What did he see?" Gill wasn't naive enough to think that Sammy hadn't heard her with someone at least once before. She'd certainly heard him and Orla at least half a dozen times. But that was different to actually seeing the evidence for himself.

"Enough." Gill sighed deeply. "For what it's worth I don't think he was too traumatised." In fact he seemed rather accepting of the situation Julie thought, perhaps Dave wasn't the only one who had picked up on something between them?

"I'll reserve judgement on that one." They lapsed into a moment's silence before Julie decided that it was her cue to make a move. She didn't want to outstay her welcome, especially since they'd already established that Gill needed some time alone to think.

"I'm going to get myself together, I need to go home and then make an appearance at HQ sometime this morning." Julie didn't even want to begin thinking about the emails that were stacking up in her inbox. She wasn't that late, it was still only just after 6am and Saturdays she made a point of getting in at a more reasonable hour but there were more reports and meetings to be had from yesterday's events, plus whatever came through 'business as usual' channels. It was at times like this she wondered why she had accepted the promotion to DSI.

"Okay, although just so you know, I'm not kicking you out." Gill chuckled lightly; _Godzilla_ she might be at work but she was a pushover when it came to her romantic entanglements.

"I know, but I really ought to be going." Julie slipped out of the bed and rummaged around the room to gather up her clothes. Once she'd retrieved everything she went into the adjoining bathroom to use the loo and get dressed. She'd spruced herself up as best she could, enough to get her out of the house and through the journey home without looking completely like she'd stayed out all night. Julie paused to have a moment of reflection. She wondered how things were going to be between them now that they'd crossed that line between friendship and something else. First thing the morning after was always going to be a false positive; Gill hadn't been that drunk and she was obviously still basking in the afterglow. Julie could only hope that in the cold light of day and after some soul-searching in regards to her ordeal Gill would feel more confident about taking a chance on their relationship. Julie shook her head free of her thoughts for the time being, she'd have plenty of time to do that later when she was alone. She also couldn't hide in Gill's bathroom forever so she finally stepped back out into the bedroom.

Gill had obviously hopped out of bed to gather up her own clothes and slipped her nightdress on. She sat up in bed with her arms folded in front of her on her lap. Julie saw that her heels had been placed neatly by the side of the bed next to Gill and she reached down to pick them up.

"I left my bag and keys downstairs in the hallway so I'll pick them up on the way out." Julie slipped on her shoes and caught her friend's eye. Gill reached out and pulled Julie onto the bed in a sitting position. She stroked her face before pulling her head down for a languid kiss. Gill slipped her tongue inside Julie's mouth and was pleased when Julie responded appropriately. It did absolutely nothing to calm Julie's nerves but fortunately they seemed to wind it down mutually before things got out of hand. They rested their foreheads against each other as they caught their breaths. "I really should be going." Julie whispered hoarsely, her heart rate and body belying her words. Gill let go of her and allowed the taller woman to stand up.

"I'll call you later, today, see how you are?" Gill offered. She knew that she needed time and space to deal with things but she also couldn't bear the thought of going the whole day without speaking to Julie. It was what they would have done normally, had they not complicated things by sleeping together.

"You don't have to, take as long as you need to work things out. I'm not going anywhere." Julie was kind and understanding, genuinely, but she also wanted to prove to Gill that she was worth waiting for.

"I'll text then, or something?" Perhaps a phone call would have been too much, especially if Gill caught Julie in the middle of something at work.

"Only if you want to. I can wait, I don't want you to feel pressured into anything." It was only now that Julie realised perhaps she also needed some time to think. Being handed your deepest desire on a plate had to require some readjustment.

"Thank you." Gill appreciated the consideration of her feelings and the freedom to explore her options before she made any big decisions. Although, it was already looking like a solid basis for a fully fledged relationship.

"It's okay. I'd better..you know...bye."

"Bye." Julie left and shut the bedroom door closed behind her. She stopped for a moment and let her guard drop for a second. It had been difficult to say goodbye, not quite knowing how to now that they'd slept together and not wanting to presume anything either. Although, going by the kiss that Gill had just initiated the feeling really did appear to be mutual. Julie allowed herself a grin of satisfaction as she recalled the previous evening's events and it remained on her face until she finally made it home.

* * *

Gill gave Julie ten minutes to get downstairs, collect her bag and car keys and drive away before she got up properly and headed into the shower. Once dressed and fully refreshed she tentatively went downstairs to see what damage had been done to her house. Surprisingly it hadn't been as bad as she thought it would be, although it looked like Sammy and Orla had been working at it for a while. Orla was trailing a black sack behind her as she went round the living room dumping paper cups and plates into it, and making sure that she tipped out any leftover liquids into a bucket. She greeted her mother-in-law to be with a 'Morning Gill' and left her to discover Sammy in the kitchen. He was elbow deep in washing up, wearing a very fetching pair of marigolds and what looked like half the washing up water down his front.

"Well this is a nice surprise!" Gill grinned at her son and gave him a peck on the cheek. He actually appeared to be mildly embarrassed and Gill raised her eyebrows in question.

"It was our party Mum. Besides, after what happened yesterday I thought that perhaps you would appreciate the rest. I presume you're not expected in work today?" Sammy continued with the task at hand while Gill leaned against the counter-top to chat to him.

"No, they've given me a week off. I need to go in and make a statement at some point but not today." She'd already given a brief statement but she needed to sign it and elaborate on some of the finer details. No doubt the Chief Constable or at the very least the Assistant Chief Con would like an informal chat about yesterday's events too.

"How are you feeling?" Sammy was a sensitive lad anyway but had become quite protective of his mother in recent years. He could tell when she wasn't quite herself.

"Fine." At Sammy's disbelieving look Gill relented. "Okay, well not fine but better than you think." And she was, at least for the moment while the kids were around and filling her house with noise and chatter and life.

"Any particular reason for that?" It was out of his mouth before Sammy had really thought about what he'd said and winced at how suggestive it sounded. He'd honestly promised himself that he wasn't going to mention it.

"Ahh…yes…about that…Julie said that you'd come looking for me." Gill had already planned to sit him down and speak to him about it at some point but thankfully Sammy had given her an opening right there.

"Look, I didn't mean to bring it up. What you do is none of my business. Honestly I wasn't even going to say anything about it." Sammy looked at his mum and spoke as openly as he could despite his obvious embarrassment.

"Perhaps we ought to talk about it? You do still live here and have every right to know what's going on." Gill had always treated her son with respect and honesty, even when he was a little boy. She didn't believe in telling children half-truths because the adult was uncomfortable with the subject matter.

"I don't need to know all the details, I saw enough last night to work it out." Sammy had of course told Orla and she'd been very understanding as they had discussed how he felt about it. Not that he was going to tell his mum any of that mind you.

"It wasn't exactly planned you know."

"So it was the first time you…and Julie…?" Sammy winced again when he realised that was more information than he could comfortably deal with knowing about his mum. "Forget I asked that! I _really_ don't want to know." And he didn't, the fact that his mother even had a sex life was something he would prefer not to think about, let alone discuss.

"I want to be honest with you Sammy. I don't know what's going on myself only that it happened and I think we'd both like it to happen again. How would you feel about it if Julie and I…?" Gill paused, unsure of how to exactly label it. Which was partly why she needed to think about it.

"I wouldn't mind, like I wouldn't mind if you were dating the postman, as long as you were happy." After what his father did to her, Sammy would just be pleased that she had someone in her life that was going to treat her properly for a change.

"Yeah but Julie's not exactly like the postman is she?" Gill hadn't quite known how to bring up the issue of Julie's gender and had seen the postman remark as an opportunity.

"What, because she's a woman? Get with the 21st Century Mum! Or is it that she's already your closest friend? Isn't that how relationships should be, a friendship moved onto another level?" Sammy had discussed this with Orla last night and although he didn't have a problem with his mum seeing a woman, he had found it a bit strange to get his head around. Orla had coached him on the right words to say if Gill brought the subject up though, so he thought he'd done alright there.

"Since when did you get all grown up and sensible?" Gill was exceptionally proud of her son and was relieved to find that she had an ally in him.

"Since I started dating my best friend and now look at us, we're getting married Mum!" Sammy grinned in delight, still unable to really believe it himself.

"I know love and I'm very, very happy for you both." Gill kissed his cheek and went over to the other side of the kitchen to put the kettle on.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **So sorry it has taken a while to upload this chapter, the weather in the UK at the moment has temporarily turned my brain to mush. Originally this was part of a much longer chapter but I decided to split it to make it easier to read, so the good news is that chapter five shouldn't be too far behind! Thank to to everyone for all your wonderful reviews, they mean a lot.

* * *

Saturday had been fine; after she'd helped Sammy and Orla to finish clearing up the house, they'd sat down to breakfast and discussed their future plans with her. Despite being so young they had thought things through sensibly and Gill could obviously see they were both completely invested in their relationship. Orla had asked how she was feeling and pointed out the colourful bruise on her neck. Sammy had politely but firmly suggested that perhaps his mum hadn't wanted to talk about it again, having already spoken to her about it himself. Gill was touched by Orla's concern and once she had started trying to explain her thoughts and feelings it all seemed to come pouring out. She explained that now the initial rush of fear had subsided, she didn't feel any malice towards Helen, only great sorrow for her awful childhood and how it had obviously blighted her adult life. She was saddened by the fact that she felt she had nothing left to live for at the end. Gill came close to tears as she described her feelings of helplessness when she realised what Helen had done to herself and wished that she could have saved her life. Gill also spoke out loud of her thoughts about going to see Louise to try and offer some sort of comfort to the woman who had been left behind and perhaps, in some way, they could help each other to get some sort of closure on the whole ordeal.

It had been good to talk about it openly but it was emotionally draining and on top of all the stuff with Julie, Gill just needed to veg out in front of the television and chill out for a few hours. The kids barely left her alone, fetching her tea and whatever else they thought would make her feel appreciated and loved, which had been lovely but a bit too much at times. She'd finally flaked out on the settee by late afternoon, keeping half an eye on the Disney film that was on the television while she enjoyed a cuppa. She took out her phone and made several attempts at composing a text to send to Julie. She eventually settled on one that wasn't too neutral but wasn't going to get her friend too worked up in tizzy either.

'_Hiya Slap! Hope Manchester's finest criminals are being kind to you today? Kids are looking after me and house finally back in one piece. Miss you already, G xxx_' Julie couldn't help her grin at receiving the text. She had told Gill it wasn't necessary but had been secretly hoping to receive one anyway.

'_So they should be! Work is the same as usual. Me too, hope you're resting? Jules xxx_'

'_Bedknobs and Broomsticks on the box, cup of tea in hand and a pile of gingersnaps beside me. G xxx_' Julie couldn't help but laugh out loud at image and a warm, contented feeling settled over her for the first time since she heard that Gill had gone missing over twenty four hours ago. Gill was alright; she was at home, safe, sound and was being well cared for. She could relax a little and leave her best friend to heal, taking all the time that she needed to do that alone.

'_Enjoy xxx_' It wasn't long after she'd received the last text from Julie when Sammy and Orla had come bounding into the living room and went on about cooking her dinner and cosying up with a film and some homemade popcorn afterwards. It looked like Gill wasn't going to quite get that peace and quiet she craved just yet after all.

* * *

After such a busy day, Gill was relieved to go to bed and finally have some time alone. The trouble was, that was when events caught up with her and a rush of memories, thoughts and emotions flooded her brain. It all suddenly felt like too much to deal with at once. There was the fact that she'd been left vulnerable enough to be kidnapped in the first place and by someone who she'd never even met. All because of Kevin _bloody_ Lumb's indiscretion with the media. If he hadn't been suspended already and in all probability sacked after his hearing then she'd have had a good mind to do it herself. If he wanted some sort of revenge this was one mighty fine payback. There were the events of the kidnapping itself; what Helen's intent had been and what could have happened on top of what had actually happened. Plus witnessing and being unable to help Helen as she took her own life. It had shocked her to the core and her reaction to it had come from completely left of field. There were all her jumbled thoughts and feelings that had come flooding into her mind when she thought she might never have the chance to see her loved ones again. Sammy of course had been top of the list and she was glad of the chance to have reconnected with him earlier that morning. They had a brilliant relationship, which hadn't always been easy but it was clear that Dave's influence hadn't come between them in the way that he'd intended it to in the early days of their divorce. Then there had been Julie, something undefined and elusive at the time until the altercation with Dave at the party. Gill had been aware that Julie sparked something within her whenever she was around but had no real idea that it was so intensely sexual and deep rooted. Once Dave had confirmed that Julie felt something for her, it was as though the kidnapping had given her permission to throw caution to the wind and take that chance. The problem was that now, in the cold light of day, or at least in the middle of the night, alone and able to think about it rationally it became more of an issue than just feeling something and then acting on it. There were implications and ramifications that needed some careful consideration before they could go full steam ahead with a romantic relationship. Gill eventually fell into a restless slumber, the smell of Julie's perfume on her bedsheets didn't help matters, and dreamed a jumbled up version of everything that she was worrying about. She woke up several times in the night at the tail end of a nightmare and stumbled blearily into her bathroom to try and wash it all away again. Each time she looked in the mirror she was reminded of her battle scars and the process would begin all over again.

* * *

The week wore on and Gill wrapped herself up in the never ending chain of thoughts inside her own head. If Julie hadn't been at the core of them she would have probably spoken to her long before now. There was Janet, an old and dear friend but also her direct subordinate and that wouldn't have been appropriate in this situation. She made her plans to visit Louise, Helen's partner, and to see if there was anything she could say or do to help her come to terms with Helen's death and everything that had happened surrounding it. She also hoped that she would find something in the visit that would help her to sort out her own thoughts and feelings. Sammy and Orla continued to stick to her side like glue, which was both comforting and stifling at the same time. Gill stopped texting Julie the more confused she became about her feelings towards her. In fact, that wasn't true, she wasn't confused about how she felt but she was confused about what happened next and if they could make it work. Julie had offered to give her space, which she was truly grateful for, so she knew that she would understand her silence.

It was Friday again before she knew it and Gill had spent a long time reliving the events of the previous week. She had her first counsellor's appointment that day, the first of six compulsory visits arranged for her by the force. She wasn't sure how much good they would actually do her and she certainly wasn't going to be talking to them about what was going on in her personal life, but she supposed there was no harm in at least turning up. Once that was out of the way Gill realised that she couldn't put Julie off any longer, a decision had to be made one way or the other and the consequences faced head on.

'_Hi, sorry for taking a while to get back in touch. Did you want to come over tomorrow night to catch up? 7pm? G xxx_' Julie had been working late alone in her office when the text came through. She'd become more anxious as the week had progressed and she hadn't heard from Gill. She'd tried to remain rational and calm about the whole thing but this was one situation where her heart overrode her ability to detach herself.

'_Hey, it's no problem, you had a lot to think about. It's good to hear from you though. Tomorrow at 7 is fine. See you then. Jules xxx_' Gill let out a shuddering breath, there was no going back now the die had been cast. She wasn't looking forward to wrestling with her lingering demons as she was certain another restless night was to follow.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: **the chapter you've all been waiting for!

* * *

Julie turned up on Gill's doorstep at the exact time she had been requested. Usually work got in the way and she ended up anything up to an hour late. However, this time she felt that she should ensure she made it on time given the subject they were going to be discussing. On those rare occasions when she was ridiculously early, Julie would think nothing of coming round when she was ready. They had long since passed the point of being treated like guests and it wasn't unusual for Julie to help herself to tea and food from the fridge and vice-versa whenever Gill popped in on Julie.

"Hello." Gill opened her front door with a smile and immediately showed Julie inside.

"Hiya." Julie wasn't prepared for the feelings that overwhelmed her on sight of her best friend. They hadn't seen each other in over a week and hadn't spoken or texted in almost as long. She was uncharacteristically nervous and hadn't known whether to initiate a hug as would be their usual custom. Gill appeared to have a set agenda so Julie decided that she would just go with the flow. She had deliberately left the ball in Gill's court and she was determined that the younger woman took responsibility for the next step. They reached the living room and Gill gestured for Julie to sit on the settee.

"Do you want some tea, coffee or something stronger?" As much as Julie was gagging for something alcoholic after a long day at work and to settle her nerves, she had driven to Gill's house and needed to keep a clear head if she was expected to go home that same evening. Of course, Julie hoped that Gill would be inviting her to stay the night but she didn't want to presume anything at this early stage.

"Coffee's fine thanks." Gill disappeared off to the kitchen and left Julie to make herself even more nervous about the evening ahead of them. Nothing in Gill's body language gave Julie any indication as to where their relationship was heading. Gill was composed but Julie had expected that, she probably had a lot she wanted to talk about and had it all mapped out in her head.

Gill went to the kitchen, put on the kettle and filled up the percolator with fresh coffee. While she was waiting for the kettle to boil she took a few moments to collect herself. Since when had the real life Julie been so much more beautiful, solid and tempting than the Julie in her head the last few days? She'd resisted the urge to wrap her arms around the taller woman by way of greeting, knowing that it could end in a kiss and then who knew where that would lead? Gill had a plan of what she needed to discuss with Julie and how she was going to do it and she couldn't afford to be distracted from that path. The kettle clicked off and Gill poured the boiled water over the coffee grounds. She stirred the mixture before resting the plunger on top. Gill then fished around in her cupboards for some biscuits, caramel wafers would do, and placed them on a tray with cups, sugar, milk and spoons. It was all methodical, a diversion tactic so Gill didn't have to think too hard about what she was about to do. Finally the coffee was ready to serve and she couldn't put it off any longer. Gill picked up the tray and walked back into the living room.

"I heard you went to see Louise?" Julie began as Gill set out the coffee tray. Inwardly Gill was quite relieved that Julie had started on a subject away from the main reason she had been invited over. It meant that they could break the ice and get into the flow of how they used to talk as friends, before they'd crossed that invisible line.

"Yeah, I just felt it was something I had to do, for both of us. Of course she feels incredibly guilty for the way she'd left things between her and Helen before that day, even though it wasn't her fault. It must have been so difficult to have lived with someone who was so emotionally scarred like that and then to have it all come out the way that it did. They were already trying to deal with Helen's drink problem and the issues with prostitutes. Louise did what she felt was right at the time but it took some convincing for her to believe that." Gill poured out two cups of coffee and added a splash of milk and two sugars to Julie's, she'd always had her coffee exactly the same way since she'd known her. Except for when they went to a trendy coffee shop and Julie would indulge in one of those creamy latte things with some sickly sweet syrup or other. She didn't have much of a sweet tooth, apart from when it came to coffee.

"How has she been since Helen's death?" Julie took a moment to savour her coffee as she listened to Gill answer her question.

"She took it badly as you can imagine. Their last conversation hadn't exactly been the memory she'd wanted to take with her. I tried to offer what comfort I could but the reality of it was useless really. Helen wasn't exactly at her best when she kidnapped me. Louise couldn't have apologised enough but of course she had no reason to." Gill drank some of her dark, bitter coffee and remembered the conversation she'd had with Louise. They'd spoken freely and easily and Gill had felt that she was someone she instinctively liked. She was sure that Helen could have been someone just as lovely had she not been repressing so much pain from her childhood for so long.

"When's the funeral?"

"Next Wednesday. Of course there's no one on Helen's side but Louise has some family who got along well with her, at least before all of this happened anyway. Did you know they'd been together for nearly ten years?" Julie shook her head, she hadn't really known the details of Helen's personal life, she'd been more heavily involved with the case as a whole and of the murders on Peverel Street. "I asked Louise if it was okay for me to pay my respects and she seemed quite taken aback."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Julie wasn't, in fact she'd be pleased if Gill had nothing more to do with this case on both a personal and professional level.

"I want to. I feel no ill will towards Helen and I forgive her. I feel sorry for her, for them both, more than anything."

"You know the press might be all over it? We've managed to keep your name out of things so far but your anonymity might be compromised if you did go." The exact details of the whole event had been closely guarded to protect Gill over and above anything else. Julie had ensured it personally and spoken to everyone directly involved in the rescue operation, plus Gill's own team and everyone back at HQ. The Chief Constable had given his permission as well as his blessing, he knew Gill from way back, and everything had been arranged. Woe betide anyone who dared to snitch to the press on this particular occasion!

"I won't make myself known, only to Louise. I think I can get some sort of closure and start to move on after that." Julie nodded carefully, understanding where Gill was coming from but feeling uneasy about it anyway.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I think it's best if I go alone. Thanks for the offer though." Julie smiled and nodded her head in understanding but was disappointed she wasn't needed for moral support.

"So, did the kids continue to behave themselves?" Gill laughed gently at the reference to Sammy and Orla. Really, they were too old to be 'kids' any longer but it had become an affectionate term for them as a couple since they'd been together.

"Yes, they've been very attentive, a bit too much at times! I've had to tell them to disappear for the odd afternoon as I needed some space. But they've been very good and surprisingly we've all had the chance to sit down and really talk about a few things; their plans for the future, Sammy's career, living arrangements that sort of thing. They're young but seem to have their heads screwed on the right way, god knows where Sammy got that from!" Julie chuckled along with Gill but she knew that Gill's guidance had been invaluable to the young couple. Dave was hardly in a position to give advice and his relationship with Sammy was still something that they were working on. Julie poured herself another cup of coffee and Gill put her own mug down to be refilled. "How's it been at HQ?" Gill had received several texts from Janet that Syndicate Nine was still in one piece. Rob seemed to be handling things well despite the fact that he was wet behind the ears. It helped that Janet and Rachel were back on speaking terms and that Kevin was out of the picture, Sean too if she thought about it. Gill would have loved to have seen the young Sergeant deal with that mess! But they didn't really know what went on elsewhere unless they were directly involved with it and Gill imagined that it had been a long week for Julie.

"Same old. More paperwork than I can handle and the usual officers who don't seem to know their arse from their elbow. I could really do with a DC to do all those little tasks that take up so much time."

"Have you asked?"

"More than once. Apparently I'd be creating an entirely new post and 'other DSI's seem to manage' so I can't justify it."

"Your hours must be through the roof?" They didn't work formal flexible working hours but it was a given that they could take time off in lieu of any extra hours worked above their contracted hours. Invariably, no one ever claimed anywhere near enough extra hours but it was useful now and then in any case.

"Tell me about it! And then they wonder why I can't take all my holiday and TOIL by the end of the year. Anyway, Karen wants a chat with you some time next week once you've had a couple of days back. Informally, just so that she's had an account first hand."

"I won't have to go through it all again will I?"

"No, she's already seen your statement. Actually, and don't quote me on this, I think she's genuinely concerned and just wants to see if you are alright. She seems to be a fan." Julie raised her eyebrows at the last part. There was something she personally found quite intimidating about the Assistant Chief Constable but somehow Gill didn't quite get the same vibe. Gill finished her coffee and put her mug down on the coffee table. There was an awkward lull in the conversation and Gill realised that now all the small talk had been dealt with, it was time to get to the heart of the matter. Her heart felt heavy and the tears began to threaten her composure.

"So…I've been thinking…about us." Gill's voice was already thick with the emotion and there was no way that Julie hadn't picked up on it, Detective Superintendent or not.

"Right." Julie was cautious and allowed Gill time to have her say. Gill's throat became choked and she couldn't stop the tears from falling.

"I do love you Julie, of that I'm sure. And I don't regret that we slept together, not for a single second, I'm very glad we did." Julie's face remained neutral however she could tell that there was a 'but' hanging in the air between them. Her heart sped up and she fought hard to get her emotions under control in anticipation of what was to come. "_But_ I don't think I can give you what you want or need. I'm not ready for a long-term committed relationship. I've been there before and I'm not sure I want to go back again. Starting something with you could be a knee-jerk reaction to everything that's happened and you deserve better than that. I'd hate for us to struggle and then lose any friendship we did have completely over time." Gill stopped talking as she'd come to the end of her rehearsed speech.

"Can't we just take it one day at a time? See how it goes, no pressure or promises?" As much as she'd tried not to, Julie couldn't keep the desperation out of her voice. Now that Gill had acknowledged she felt the same way, she knew that that they'd be good for each other, that they could make it work. Gill shook her head sadly.

"There's always going to be pressure on us, our jobs for a start and then our

families, friends, colleagues. We'd be constantly explaining and justifying ourselves to people and that's just too hard. I don't think I can cope with it right now." A couple of tears broke free from Julie's eyes as her heart broke a little more. As much as she wanted to stay and fight it out with Gill she had to acknowledge that she'd been given time to think about it and this was clearly the decision that she'd made. As disappointed as she was, it wouldn't have been fair to put more pressure on her best friend. As least she hoped she was still her friend after this.

"What do we do now?"

"We're friends, you're my _best_ friend, so we carry on as before. I know it might be a bit strange at first but we've already been through so much together over the years and I don't want to lose you. I still need my best friend he to cajole me, throw insults at me and from time to time push me when I need a kick up the backside." Julie nodded thoughtfully, already knowing in her heart of hearts that they wouldn't quite be able to go back to the way things were before.

"Okay." Julie gave Gill a watery smile, the expression on her face betraying her best efforts to keep herself together.

"I _am_ sorry. If I thought…"

"Don't Gill; you don't need to keep explaining, I understand." Gill nodded slowly. She'd wanted to keep justifying herself out loud, hoping that eventually it would make some sort of sense to herself if she did. "I should be going." Julie stood up from the settee and picked up her bag from the floor next to it. She made her way out to the hallway and Gill followed closely behind. Both women were right at the very edge of the control they had over their emotions.

"I love you." Gill blurted out with a quiver to her voice. Julie wrapped her arms around the smaller woman and they held each other tightly.

"I love you too, you soppy cow." They both relished the embrace; the light smell of each other's perfume warmed by their skin during the day and the feel of the other's body pressed against their own. They both cried softly with the weight of the atmosphere on their shoulders. Gill pulled back a little and leaned up to kiss Julie. It was firm and full of the words she couldn't say but Julie seemed to understand and kissed her back. It didn't last long and as Julie extricated herself from Gill's arms the tension between them grew even thicker. Julie reached up and opened the front door herself. She and Gill shared a long look between them, full of sorrow and heartache before Julie felt something inside of her break completely. She had to get out of there before she made more of a fool of herself than she had done already.

"Goodbye Gill."

"Bye."

* * *

Julie pulled her car out of Gill's driveway and turned onto the road. She glanced back towards the house and saw the slither of light from the hallway disappear as Gill closed the door behind her. Julie just about made it a couple of roads away before she had to pull over and let the wracking sobs that had been threatening take over. Her heart physically burned with the pain of what was never to be and the fear that despite their promises not to, she had just lost her best friend. She had understood Gill's reasons and agreed for the most part, it just didn't make it any easier to deal with. Julie took a couple of deep shaky breaths and wiped her tear stained face with her hand before continuing her journey home where she would probably break down all over again and several more times before the night was over.

Gill stood in the middle of her living room and stared off into the distance deep in thought about what had just happened. It had all sounded so logical and sensible in her head but when faced with the reality of saying the words and looking her best friend in the eye as she said them it proved too overwhelming. Her heart raced with a terrifying feeling of dread and her overriding thought was that she might have just made a mistake. The biggest mistake of her life. The more she thought about it, the more urgent the feeling became. Gill called after her best friend weakly knowing that she was long gone but feeling the need to try anyway. She called out again and rushed to the front door, flung it open and yelled into the evening sky that she was sorry and that she had changed her mind. She repeated herself over and over again before reality sank in and she finally realised that she had been too late. The decision had been made and she couldn't turn back time. Gill scrambled to get herself back inside the house as quickly as possible before she fell apart against the front door and cried harder than she had ever remembered doing so before.

* * *

Sammy put his key in the door to the home he shared with his mum and increasingly often, his fiancee Orla. He was excited after an induction day at Sedgley Park Training Centre and a couple of beers afterwards with some fellow students. He wanted to tell his mum all about it, hoping that it would make her proud and allay some of her fears about him becoming a police officer. He wasn't quite prepared for the sight that greeted him as he pushed open the door. Gill was slumped against the wall in the hallway with her head in her heads sobbing her heart out.

"Mum?! What's happened?" Sammy kicked the front door shut and crouched down to speak to his mother on her level.

"I sent her away." She muttered miserably under her breath.

"Who?" The teenager wasn't quite following his mum's trail of thought.

"Julie." Although he still didn't quite understand exactly what had happened he had a fair idea it was to do with their burgeoning relationship.

"Oh Mum!" Sammy wrapped his arms around distraught mother and let her cry on his shoulder. There would be time for explanations later but for now he just needed to comfort his mum for the second time in as many weeks.


	6. Chapter 6

"If I ever, _ever_ see you doing that again you'll be out of this syndicate so quickly you won't have time to pack. Now go on, get me some results!"

* * *

Rachel Bailey entered her office after a week's leave with a grin on her face and a casual, relaxed air about her. She slipped off her coat, hung it on the peg and turned to her best friend and colleague Janet Scott.

"Who's rattled 'er cage?" It was said lightheartedly but something in Janet's expression made Rachel's brain catch up with her mouth for once and she ceased talking. Mitch then came scuttling out of his boss's office looking quite shocked and embarrassed. "Mitch?! What did _golden boy_ do to deserve that ear bashing from Godzilla?" Rachel lowered her voice, unable to resist carrying on the conversation. While DC Ian Mitchell didn't have quite the flair that Rachel did for instinctive detective work, he did work bloody hard and was very good at going through the finer details of gathered evidence. He never put a foot wrong and seemed to be Gill's favourite male member of the team, at least until now.

"Probably nothing, Gill's been in a foul mood all week." Janet whispered back to her friend and their nearby colleagues, Lee and Pete, nodded their heads in agreement to back up her observations.

"She was in a mood the week before. She having women's problems or summat?" Gill could often be in a sour mood in the office but it was always related to a work issue. Most often when someone had done something wrong that needed fixing and would reflect badly on the syndicate or personally on Gill.

"Rachel!" Janet couldn't believe her friend's audacity, especially since she was a woman herself.

"I'm only saying!" Rachel shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly, not really understanding what she'd said that could be taken in offence.

"Perhaps she's still thinking about the kidnapping?" Rob, their exceptionally young, bright eyed and bushy tailed Sergeant chipped in helpfully.

"Yeah, maybe." Janet wasn't so sure, it was very unlike her boss and longtime friend to be unprofessional like this. She heard Gill's office door slam shut, effectively cutting herself off from them and everyone turned to Golden Boy for an explanation.

"You alright mate?" Pete asked his colleague.

"Yeah, don't ask! I wouldn't get on the wrong side of her at the moment, she's in a really crap mood." Everyone looked at each other with raised eyebrows and then at Gill through her office blinds. She appeared as though she was working diligently at her computer but Janet could tell that she was actually deep in thought about something or other. She had a nagging feeling that there was more to this than women's problems or a simple off day.

* * *

Several days later Janet tentatively knocked on Gill's office door and waited for her to ask her in. As time had gone on the atmosphere in the office hadn't changed and Gill's mood seemed just as bad as it had ever been, even with a weekend in the middle. Everyone had agreed that someone needed to do something and Janet had been unanimously voted as the person to do it. She was a close personal friend of more than twenty years after all.

"Come in." Gill responded and Janet walked in knowing that she would find her elbow deep in work with her glasses perched on her nose. She would be willing to bet that the cup of tea on her desk was stone cold too. Janet shut the door behind her.

"Gill, I was wondering if I could have a word? A personal word?" Gill looked up from her computer screen, took off her glasses and indicated the seat opposite her.

"Please, sit. Something up cock?" Janet shook her head and didn't take up the offer of a seat.

"That tea looks stone cold, did you want to go over the road and grab a coffee? My shout." Janet didn't think it was fair or right to be discussing Gill's personal issues in the middle of her office and thought perhaps a change of scene away from the troops might be better.

"Sounds serious?" _Subtle Janet,_ the blonde detective thought to herself and should have realised that the DCI would see right through her.

"Kind of, not really, delicate maybe?" Janet internally rolled her eyes at herself and wondered how many more times she could trip up over her own words.

"Okay, give me ten minutes to finish this and I'll meet you at your desk." Fortunately Gill had bought it and it gave Janet a bit of time to compose herself and work out how she was going to approach the issue.

Half an hour later they were ensconced in a booth at the coffee shop across the road from the station with a steaming, frothy coffee each.

"Are you alright Gill? Only, you've really not been yourself these last couple of weeks and I'm worried about you, we all are." Gill was quite taken aback at the reason for Janet's concern.

"I'm absolutely fine, what have I done that makes you think that?"

"I'm going to be honest with you here, friend to friend. You've been in a right stinker of a mood ever since you came back to work since…since Helen. You hauled Mitch into your office and tore strips off him for doing bona fide research on a gambling website. Mitch is never told off, he plays by the rules and works bloody hard. You've been hiding in your office with the door closed most days and I haven't seen you smile in ages, not even at Rachel's rubbish jokes." Janet gave Gill a few moments to digest her little speech.

"And you've all been discussing this behind my back?" To her credit Gill didn't seem angry, just surprised, although she really shouldn't have been. If she'd have been a witness to her own behaviour she'd probably have been the first to raise questions.

"Only because we're concerned, no one's having a go. How are you dealing with everything that happened with Helen Bartlett? Are you going to the counselling sessions? Did going to her funeral help in any way or did it make it worse?" Janet thought she would hazard a guess at what the issue was as it made sense if Gill hadn't been coping with the aftermath of her ordeal.

"I appreciate your concern Janet, I really do, but I thought I'd been dealing with everything quite well thanks. Seeing as you asked me as a friend I'll tell you; the funeral helped to close the book on how I felt about the actual event itself and I've reconciled Helen's actions in my head and feel no resentment towards her. Yes, I have been going to the counsellor, although I'm not really sure what good it does and I will continue until I've completed all the sessions."

"That's good, I'm really glad to hear that. So what _is_ going on then? Why have you been so bloody moody?" Gill looked like a deer caught in headlights and Janet thought that she was about to receive a bollocking for being so impertinent. For half a second Gill thought about telling Janet the truth, about sleeping with Julie on the night of Sammy's engagement party then agreeing to just remain friends and the current state of their friendship. But she couldn't, to say it aloud to Janet would make it real and Gill wasn't ready to face it outside of her own thoughts yet.

"I wasn't aware that I had been. I shall endeavour to improve my conduct in the office from now on." Gill had gone from being friend to boss, and the moody version at that, in a matter of seconds. Janet must've hit some sort of nerve but she was buggered if she knew what it had been.

* * *

**A couple of weeks later**

Janet arrived at the bottom of the stairs near the station reception desk slightly out of breath. She might be slim but she wasn't the fittest member of the team so she tended to leave most of the running to Rachel and the younger lads. Janet pushed through the double doors and spotted Detective Superintendent Dodson reading something intently as the duty officer waited patiently for her to finish and presumably sign for whatever it was she was reading. Seeing an opportunity for her to broach the subject of Gill as the situation hadn't really improved at all, Janet took several steps closer.

"Mick, this is going to be collected by a Mr Santosh sometime after three o'clock." Janet handed the large brown envelope to the duty officer. It had a note attached to it with the details on anyway but Janet hadn't wanted to startle Julie. The taller woman looked up from her reading briefly after she'd recognised Janet's voice but went straight back to the document. "I can wait and walk back upstairs with you if you like?" Janet presumed that Julie was going to drop in and visit her best friend while she was there.

"I'm not staying, just came to pick this up." Janet thought it was very odd, normally Julie would take any opportunity to cause havoc in Gill's domain, especially since she'd made the effort to come all the way out to Oldham from HQ. Behind her the double doors opened with a sticky swoosh and Gill stepped through them with an envelope in her hand. She stopped dead in her tracks as her eyes immediately fell on Julie talking to Janet. Julie had realised it was Gill a split second before Janet and looked past her shoulder to meet her eyes. Janet looked between them and immediately felt the palpable tension.

"Hi." Julie said tentatively.

"Hello." Gill responded automatically, as though she were just any other colleague. Julie's heart fell to the pit of her stomach and she fought hard to keep the expression on her face neutral. Gill switched her gaze to Janet and held out the envelope. "You left this behind, part of the paperwork for Mr Santosh." Janet took it from her and muttered a thanks. Gill met Julie's eyes again and for a second she considered that perhaps they needed to talk and clear the air, maybe ask her over the road for a drink. However, as soon as she'd had the thought she immediately thought better of it. It was far easier to keep up the pretence of being disinterested than to face up to her feelings and her mistake. Gill turned and walked back through the double doors and up the stairs without so much as a goodbye. Janet was speechless at what had just happened and didn't really know what to say to Julie. The older woman had turned back to the duty officer at the front desk and was putting her bundles of paperwork back into their respective files.

"It looks complete, I'll take it back to HQ with me and if there is anything I'll contact the officer directly." Mick handed Julie a sheet of paper on a clip board and a pen to sign for the documents with. Janet still hovered at her side and waited until she'd finished.

"Have you two had a row or something?" Janet would be surprised, she'd never heard of them arguing before and especially after the events of Gill's kidnapping several weeks ago everyone, including herself and Rachel, had realised that life had been too short for petty squabbles.

"I can't…sorry." Julie didn't know what to say, not only did she not want to betray Gill's trust but she didn't even think she'd be able to find the words to explain everything that had happened between them. Julie turned on her heel and muttered a goodbye. Janet turned back to Mick at the front desk and added the envelope Gill had handed her to the other one and got Mick to pass her an elastic band to make it extra secure. Rachel came through the main entrance with Mitch just as Janet was about to head back upstairs.

"Hey Jan! What's up with Dodson?"

"I dunno, why?"

"We passed her outside, making fists at the wall. She looked like she was upset about something or other." Not that Rachel particularly cared but it had been a strange sight to behold. Of course she hadn't the courage to question her superior officer directly, they'd never quite seen eye to eye in the past and she didn't really know her well enough to pry.

"Bad case?" Janet suggested and shrugged her shoulders in bafflement for Mitch's benefit but she then leaned in to whisper in Rachel's ear. "Ladies, ten minutes."

* * *

Rachel sat up on the surface next to the sinks in the loos while Janet paced the floor and explained what had just happened with Gill and Julie.

"They must've had a falling out but about what?"

"Perhaps it's over what happened at the party?" At Rachel's questioning look Janet explained further. "Apparently Julie and Dave had an altercation? Almost came to a fist fight according to Pete."

"Whatever it is we need to do something, Gill's been a right cow and it's only going to get worse." Normally Janet would suggest that it was Rachel's own perception of their boss, _Godzilla_ as Rachel had nicknamed her, but on this occasion she couldn't help but agree.

"Perhaps I should give Sammy a ring? See if he knows anything, maybe something happened at home? If not, I'll have to confront her again, you're right this can't continue."

Meanwhile, Gill had escaped back to the safety of her office and stared out of the window deep in thought. She'd panicked on sight of Julie and hadn't known how to act normally in front of Janet. They'd not spoken in weeks, Julie presumably had been thoughtful and kind and had given her some space. The trouble was it made it all that harder to pretend that everything was okay between them and Gill certainly wasn't going to make the first move. She couldn't imagine Julie coming over, getting pissed and gossipping into the small hours now without the thought that they would end up in bed together again. She couldn't reconcile their thwarted romantic relationship with the platonic friendship they had agreed upon, albeit at Gill's own request. Gill loved Julie, deeply and intensely, and she couldn't escape her feelings despite her desperate attempts to. She watched as Julie crossed the car park to reach her car, which Gill had spotted when she first glanced out of her window. Her heart twinged with a pang of sorrow as she watched Julie get into the car and drive off. Gill sat back down at her desk and noted the time, only a few hours to go before she could drown her sorrows in the bottom of a wine glass or three.

* * *

"Hello, Sammy?" Janet had taken advantage of the fact that Gill was observing an interview that Rachel was conducting with Lee and slipped into her boss's office for a few minutes of privacy.

"Hi Janet, is everything alright? Mum should be at work?"

"Yes I know, she's here. Sorry to have worried you. Actually it's you I wanted to talk to." Janet should have realised that Sammy would immediately think back to when she had called him on the day of his mother's abduction and she briefly felt guilty for worrying him unnecessarily.

"Oh, okay?"

"It's just that, we've noticed your mum hasn't been quite herself at work lately and she says that she's fine and going to the counsellor about…well you know, the kidnapping. Only I don't think she is fine and wondered if she had been alright at home or if you knew anything more? Has it got something to do with Julie? Have they had a falling out?" Sammy sighed deeply and realised that he needed to tell Janet the truth. He knew that his mum hadn't been dealing with it very well at home but the fact that she'd been so obviously upset at work meant that she needed to be forced to confront things. He'd known Janet all his life and she was his godmother, so he trusted her with his mother's well-being.

"They split up."

"Who?"

"Mum and Julie." Janet went silent on the phone as she tried to process what Sammy had just told her. Surely he didn't mean…?

"What do you mean _split up_?"

"Exactly that. Mum told Julie they should stop seeing each other, except that I think she regrets it now and that's why she's been so down." In fact Sammy knew that she regretted it. After her initial breakdown he'd heard her crying in her room a few times and had caught her daydreaming over breakfast or dinner some days. He'd also noticed that she'd got through more than a couple of bottles of wine during the week but hadn't felt brave enough to broach the subject.

"I didn't know that they had been seeing each other like that." While it surprised Janet because she'd never thought of Gill as anything less than straight, she could see where her close friendship with Julie could quite easily have spilt over into something more. She herself was Gill's oldest friend but from the moment the two older women had met, Janet had picked up on the chemistry between them. Of course, at the time she hadn't been looking any deeper than their evolving friendship, natural wit and sarcasm and equal passion and rank in their careers. Janet surmised all that would have been required was some sort of a catalyst like most relationships and they'd have taken that extra step into something more.

"It was over before it began to be honest. Have you seen Julie? Do you know how she's doing?" Sammy felt guilty that his police training hadn't given him much free time to find out for himself.

"She's pretty much the same as your mum from what I witnessed the other week." Things were starting to fall into place for Janet and she was beginning to wonder if Gill's kidnapping had been the catalyst to change things between Gill and Julie. The timing would certainly fit in with the atmosphere in the office the last few weeks and it would have been a big enough event for the two senior officers to have taken the time to reflect upon what was important in their lives and take a chance on something that had always been there but never voiced.

"I was thinking of going to see her, see if she can try again with Mum."

"And you're happy about that?" Janet wondered if her girls would have been quite so accepting if she suddenly took up with a decidedly female lover, especially if it was someone they had already come to know as a friend. Rachel's image popped into her head for a brief moment as an example. She considered that Tasie would possibly be over the moon at the prospect as she practically worshipped the ground Rachel walked on, even after being let down by the whole Kevin debacle. Elise wouldn't be quite so easy to convince and she would probably take sides with her mother Dorothy, who was less than impressed by Rachel anyway. Janet was sure that she could win them round eventually though and then realised just where her trail of thought was leading her. She shook her head free of such a bizarre notion and went back to the issue at hand.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be? I'll admit that it was strange when I first found out but they seemed so happy together it made a lot of sense. Mum does love her but I think she's just scared to throw herself into another relationship after what happened with Dad."

"You're very perceptive?"

"I've spent a lot of time talking to Mum over the last few weeks. I'm worried about her too."

"Do you think Julie would be willing to try again?" Janet hoped it would at least lead to the two friends getting back on speaking terms if nothing else. She didn't think that syndicate nine would survive much more of Gill's irritable moodiness.

"I don't know, but it can't hurt to ask."


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:** Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed, favourited and followed this story. It's so heartwarming and encouraging to know that your labour of love is being enjoyed and appreciated by other people.

* * *

Sammy Murray rang the doorbell of Julie's house and waited for her to answer. He bounced on the balls of his feet with nervous energy. He'd been to Julie's place plenty of times before over the years but this time there was a lot at stake; he was hoping to be able to push her and his mum back together. The door opened to reveal Julie barefoot and dressed casually in jeans and a loose fitting shirt.

"Aunty Julie!" The teenager exclaimed and she chuckled before she ushered him in and closed the door behind him.

"Hello love, bit old for that now aren't you?" She grinned in spite of herself. No matter what had happened between her and Gill, he was still her best friend's son and the only child she had seen grow up in front of her eyes. "Go on, take a seat." Sammy sat down on the sofa in the living room and waited for Julie to join him. "Do you want a cup of tea or something?"

"No, I'm fine thanks. I just wanted to talk to you." Julie perched herself on the arm of the armchair facing Sammy.

"Okay."

"She made a mistake, Mum I mean. She loves you but she's scared so thought it would be easier to push you away." There hadn't been any point in beating around the bush, so he'd just come out with it. There would be time for pleasantries later.

"I know that Sammy." Once she'd recovered from the shock of Gill's decision and the heartache it had left behind, Julie had quickly realised that Gill had put up defensive barriers instead of going along with what her heart wanted. Julie understood all the reasons why, she'd watched Gill fall apart in the wake of Dave's infidelity after all.

"You do?" Julie nodded, realising that he might now be engaged and about to embark on a career in the force be he still had a lot to learn about relationships. "So why don't you try again?"

"If she doesn't love and trust me enough to make that leap of faith on her own then I'm not going to force the issue. I gave her time and space to really think about what she wanted and she did. It wouldn't be fair to keep pestering her." She was disappointed that Gill had failed to understand that she wasn't going to let her down like Dave had done. She thought their friendship had been built and defined by trust and would be a good indication of Julie's intentions and treatment of Gill as a partner. Gill obviously felt that she wasn't worth taking that risk over.

"But she's miserable without you!" Julie hadn't known for certain but she had a fair idea how Gill had been dealing with the fallout of her decision if their meeting the other week was anything to go by.

"And I without her but what's done is done." Sammy couldn't understand how Julie could be so matter of fact about it.

"So that's it? You're going to give up on her?"

"It's not about giving up on her love. I simply don't have the energy to fight about it. I'm under enough pressure at work and it's clear this has made even a friendship awkward between us." Julie looked at Sammy's deflated expression and felt guilty for putting it there.

"I understand. I just…I thought… Once I'd got over surprise of seeing you together it made a lot of sense. Orla and I talked about it and I realised that I wanted you to be together. I wanted Mum to be happy again and I couldn't think of anyone better than you to do that." Julie gave the young lad a watery smile. She felt honoured to have been thought of in such high regard. It was just a shame that Gill didn't quite feel the same way.

"Thank you, I appreciate that, more than I can say. Look Sammy, there's something I think I should tell you…"

* * *

Sammy arrived home and called out to let his mum know. She responded from the front room and Sammy turned to Julie who had been waiting on the doorstep behind him and ushered her in.

"I'll just uh…" He nodded his head in the direction of the living room.

"Warn her?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not sure this is such a good idea Sammy."

"You owe it to her to tell her Julie. Whatever has happened between you recently can't erase nearly fifteen years of friendship. She'd want to know." Sammy disappeared off into the living room and left Julie to stand in the hallway like a lemon. It immediately brought to mind the night everything had fallen apart and their final goodbye right on that very spot. She had no idea what Sammy thought he'd achieve by doing this, although she conceded that he was perhaps right on this issue. If it had been Gill wouldn't she have wanted to know even after everything that had happened? Sammy came back into the hallway and ushered Julie into the house properly.

"What did she say?"

"She was surprised but I told her it was important so she's okay." Julie took a deep breath and headed into the living room.

* * *

Gill was sitting on the sofa, a discarded book next to her and cup of tea on the coffee table. Julie walked in and her heart rate sped up in nervousness.

"Hi." Julie didn't know whether to remain standing or take a seat on the sofa next to Gill. Normally she'd have just made herself at home without even thinking about it.

"Sammy said that you've got something important to tell me?" She sounded casual but her posture told a different story. She was sitting bolt upright, almost defensive as though Julie's mere presence would break down her protective shield.

"Yeah. I hadn't planned on seeing you today but Sammy insisted so I'm a little unprepared." Julie had opted to remain standing, her arms crossed in front of her protectively. Anyone would have been hard pressed to guess that these two women were long-standing friends who, only a few short weeks ago, had shared an intensely passionate night of love-making.

"Go on."

"I've been offered a secondment in London and I'm going to take it."

"London?" Gill was surprised, it was certainly somewhere Julie had never mentioned wanting to work before. They'd been socially of course, both together and separately, but Greater Manchester was home.

"Yeah." Julie confirmed for her friend and wondered how long this stilted conversation was going to last. She was certain they were both more than aware that there were two conversations taking place, the most important one being the one without words.

"How long?"

"Two years."

"Two years?! Why are you even thinking about it?" Finally Gill reacted with some sort of emotion and looked suitably shocked by Julie's news. The older woman looked at her friend is if to say 'you're kidding, right?' because you'd have to be several inches of dense to not understand that one. She opted for the professional explanation first.

"I'm absolutely snowed under and stressed out at HQ and Karen's noticed. She knows I'm capable of doing the job, just not the way things are at the moment. There's going to be a review and she said they would keep my job open for me once a restructure has taken place. One of the MIT teams in London needs a shake up and my brief is to turn things around in those two years." The timing had worked out perfectly and Karen was more than happy to send Julie off to London temporarily.

"Why don't they just pull the team?"

"There's plenty of work for them and they're an experienced bunch, just not producing results. The outgoing DCI was dismissed from service so you can just imagine what was or wasn't going on there. Anyway, the reason Sammy wanted me to come and talk to you was because I've offered him and Orla my house while I'm gone and he thought that perhaps you should know about it before we confirmed anything." It suited Julie to have someone she knew and trusted look after her house for her. Of course she wouldn't hear of Sammy paying any rent, her mortgage was already paid off anyway, but he would have to pay the bills for what he used while he was living there. It would be a good life experience for him and Orla before they officially moved in together. Gill realised that Julie was serious about London if she had offered her house out to a young couple just starting out.

"When were you going to tell me, if Sammy hadn't prompted you?" There was a tinge of hurt in Gill's voice but she knew that she had made any sort of communication between them difficult over the last few weeks.

"I don't know, we haven't exactly been speaking much recently for me to just drop it into conversation." Julie answered honestly and she refused to feel guilty about it.

"Don't go." Gill could already feel her friend slipping from her grasp and her world turn inside out; it was a feeling she was far from comfortable with.

"What have I got to stay for Gill?"

"Me?"

"Have I? Really?" At Gill's silence she continued. "I'm fifty-two years old, my job is my life and I rarely socialise or see the few friends I do have. I need to make a fresh start, meet some new people maybe even meet someone special." Gill's heart clenched painfully in her chest at that last remark but she knew deep down that you couldn't keep pushing someone away and expect them to keep coming back indefinitely.

* * *

**A couple of weeks later.**

Gill sat in her car and watched from a discreet distance as Julie packed her car full of her belongings. Sammy and Orla had left the house early to help and move the last of their own stuff in. Sammy had tried to persuade his mum to come with them and give things one last go with Julie but she knew there wasn't really anything left to say. She wondered how things had become so bad between them that it had got to this point? Gill knew that it had mostly been her fault and her inability to put the past to one side and trust someone again. Julie was nothing like Dave, never had been, and Gill knew wholeheartedly that out of anyone in the entire world Julie would be the one she trusted most with her heart. It was herself she didn't trust. How long would it have been before Julie had grown tired of sharing Gill with the job? Perhaps that had been an excuse all these years and the plain and simple fact was that Gill was just crap at maintaining relationships and it had been her fault that Dave had grown bored of her?

She looked on as she saw Sammy and Orla carry some bags out to Julie's car, who then proceeded to fit them in. She looked just about ready to leave and Gill felt her heart plummet in dread; she was about to lose her best friend and with her a damn good chance to be happy. Nervous energy thrummed through her body and she watched as Julie exchanged hugs with Sammy and Orla. She looked happy, as any woman should when she was about to embark on the a new and exciting stage in her life. Gill couldn't let her go without at least saying goodbye, if anything happened to her while she was away…it just didn't bear thinking about. Gill recalled the evening she pushed Julie away and how it was too late to call her back and suddenly she found the courage to get out of the car. Every step felt like she was wading through mud but she couldn't let Julie just walk out of her life like this. She couldn't find the voice to call out to her friend, the power of speech seemed to have been taken from her as well as her ability to think clearly. Sammy and Orla waved as Julie started the engine and Gill hoped that she would be spotted before Julie began reversing out of her driveway.

"Wait!" Gill finally found her voice a couple of doors down from Julie's house and the kids turned in time to spot her. Sammy gestured to his mum to hurry up while Orla signalled to Julie to wait. She pointed to her right and Julie followed her line of sight. Relief eased across her face and she turned the key in the ignition to stop the car. The relief on Gill's face mirrored that of Julie's. Julie stepped out of the car and made her way round to meet Gill on the pavement outside her house as Sammy and Orla discreetly went back inside.

"I didn't think you were coming?" Julie began and allowed Gill to get her breath back. She'd all but given up hope of seeing Gill before she left and the disappointment had begun to turn into hurt as the morning had gone on.

"I thought about it but I couldn't let you leave without a proper goodbye. Whatever's happened between us recently and however things work out, you're still my best friend and I love you." Julie smiled wistfully and pulled Gill in for a hug. She buried her face in her neck and tried to hold back the tears that were threatening.

"I love you too, you daft old bat." Gill wrapped her arms around Julie tighter and took a few moments to compose herself. They eventually loosened their hold on each other and drew back slightly.

"I am sorry, for everything." Julie stroked Gill's cheek as a single tear escaped her watery eyes.

"I know and you're forgiven." More tears spilt from Gill's eyes and Julie could feel herself welling up too but she desperately fought to keep it together, there would be time enough for that when she was in London.

"I don't suppose there's anything I can say that will change your mind?" Julie smiled at Gill ruefully and shook her head gently. London was too good an opportunity to pass up and the distance would probably do her the world of good. Besides, everything had been arranged for her arrival and the kids settled into her house. Julie leaned forward and met Gill's lips in a firm but chaste kiss.

"Goodbye Gill."

"See ya Slap."

Gill stood and waved Julie off as she finally left Manchester for her new life in London. Sammy eventually stepped out of the house and put a comforting arm around his mum as she cried silently for all that she had lost.


	8. Epilogue Part One: The Power of Goodbye

**Flashback**

* * *

"_I've been offered a secondment in London and I'm going to take it." _

"_London?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_How long?"_

"_Two years."_

"_Don't go." _

"_What have I got to stay for Gill?" _

"_Me?"_

"_Have I? Really?"_

Gill's defensive stance had continued until Julie had mentioned the prospect of meeting someone new in London. She could have just about dealt with the thought of Julie temporarily living away from Manchester but her head was suddenly filled with visions of her coming back blissfully happy, arm in arm with someone lovely and beautiful and any love she once had for Gill a dim and distant memory. It wasn't that she didn't want Julie to be happy, of course she wanted that above all else, but it was the fact that Gill had pushed her so far away there was barely anything left between them. She couldn't let her go without at least trying one more time, it burned deep within her and she had to reach out to Julie, no matter how scared she was.

"I can't do this anymore; I miss you and the last thing I want is for you to leave. Can we…can we start again?" Julie noticed that Gill hadn't specifically said their friendship or their relationship and she had no idea what to think.

"I don't know, can we?" Gill needed to make her meaning clear to Julie if the older woman was to put her heart on the line one more time.

"If we're going to have this conversation please come and sit down." Gill indicated the space next to her on the settee. Julie was hesitant, standing with some distance between them had meant that she was in control. If she sat next to Gill she knew that she would find it harder to stand her ground. She gave in, as Gill knew she would, and perched herself on the edge of the sofa. There was no way that she was going to make herself comfortable. Julie turned her body towards Gill and waited for her to continue. "I know I've messed this up but it feels right, us, like it was always meant to be. Making love with you made me feel alive and loved in a way I haven't felt in a very long time. But I'm scared of giving all of myself to someone again, to someone who can ultimately destroy me." Julie had never heard Gill so small and uncertain and she cursed Gill's git of an ex-husband all over again for having left her with such deep-rooted scars.

"And you think I'm going to do that to you? How long have we known each other? And in all that time have I ever let you down? I know your history, I was there when it all fell apart so I'm the last person in the world who is going to put you through that again. Don't you think that I'm scared too? I've been in love with you for so long I can't remember what it's like not to be. I kept it to myself because I didn't want to destroy our friendship and the last few weeks have just gone to prove that I should have stayed quiet." Julie had always known that her feelings for Gill would cause her no end of trouble, she'd just assumed Dave's constant jibes and homophobia was the worst it could have been.

"It's not unwelcome, far from it. It's me, I keep buggering everything up and I don't know how to stop!" Gill threw her hands up in the air, emphasising her exasperation. She had understood that Julie was trying to keep some sort of invisible line between them but she was desperate not to let the older woman go. She reached out and caught Julie's hands in her own. She held on and squeezed gently, willing her love and her regret to seep through to her. "Please don't leave, I can't lose you. I want you in my life, I want everything you're offering me." Julie's heart ached at hearing those words from Gill and she fought hard to keep her hopes realistic. She turned their hands around so that she was now grasping Gill's, their fingers entwined.

"Tell me that you're serious. Tell me that you're not going to run away again? Because I don't think I'd be able to cope if you did." Julie's heart felt like it was beating out of her chest and she knew that she had let her emotions rule over her head, they always tended to whenever it came to Gill.

"I love you, I want to be with you, whatever it takes." Pained relief reflected in Julie's face as the last of her defences melted away.

"You know that you could ask me to walk over hot coals and I'd do it for you?" Julie had always felt that Gill could ask for the moon and she'd try and find a way of procuring it for her.

"I wouldn't ask."

"I know and that's the point. I need you to show me that this really is what you want. It will take effort from both of us to make this work." Julie had spent too many relationships being the one in control, being the responsible one, the one to drive it forward, the one to end it when it was clear it wasn't working. None of her previous lovers had ever stopped to think that sometimes she needed to let go herself, that she needed to be held, that she needed to be told she was loved and had her own fears and crises of self confidence too.

"So 'this' being an 'us'?" Gill asked tentatively but hopefully. Julie nodded her confirmation. "And you won't move to London?"

"I'm still going to London." At Gill's crestfallen look Julie explained. "I really do need a break from the stress at HQ and it will do me the world of good to have a change of scene. Perhaps it will do us both some good to spend a bit of time apart." Julie let go of Gill's hands and reached up to smooth back some of her hair behind her ear. She hoped it would offer some sort of comfort and affection without being too overt.

"But what about us?" Gill was confused, if Julie was willing to try again then why was she still running away to London?

"We can start slowly, rebuild our friendship before moving things on beyond that. If it's still something we both want then we'll be prepared to work for it. I know it's not what you want to hear but I've been hurt too and I need some time to heal."

* * *

"Ah, just the woman." Gill said to her longtime friend as she entered the ladies loos and caught her drying her hands on a couple of pieces of paper towel.

"Gill?" The woman in question made no move towards a cubicle and stood looking at her friend with a hesitant expression on her face.

"How about a drink after work tonight? I believe I have some apologising to do." It hadn't been Janet's fault that Gill had been so miserable lately and her friend had tried to offer a shoulder to cry on. After everything she had been through recently, Gill felt that she needed to make the effort to reach out to the few friends she did have, before they all started to run off to another city to get away from her.

"That's not necessary." Janet was always caught between being Gill's friend or subordinate, especially when in the middle of the working day. She didn't know what was appropriate for her friend to discuss with her sometimes.

"I think it is, along with an explanation for my unprofessional behaviour the last few weeks." Gill really didn't like bringing her personal troubles into the workplace but this thing with Julie had her at sixes and sevens and she didn't quite know how to right herself again.

"Really, it's none of my business." Janet was her usual forgiving self and Gill felt even more guilty for taking her for granted.

"Well, considering that you're my _friend_ and as such expressed your concern for my well being I think it probably is your business. Besides, I _want_ to talk to you about it." In fact she _needed_ to talk to someone about it, her emotions had already got the better of her and she had to get herself back on track.

"Okay, apology accepted and I would like to catch up over a drink tonight." Janet smiled brightly and Gill was relieved that she hadn't managed to mess up this friendship.

"Great."

* * *

"It started the night of Sammy's engagement party…after Helen…and everything. Dave and Julie had a set-to, I split them up and Dave decided to tell me some home truths. In light of the day I had just been through, it made me realise something and when I went to speak to Julie…" Gill took a deep breath and prepared herself to confess all to someone for the first time. "We slept together." She was scared to look at Janet's face for fear of what she might find, however Janet looked as kind and as open as she ever had been, apart from the fact that her eyebrows were ever so slightly raised. Gill wasn't a copper for nothing and even if Janet was cool with her choice of sexual partner, surely she would have registered a bit more than that in surprise?

"You knew?" Janet smiled and held her hands up in defence.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to find out and it wasn't until a few days ago. You've got to understand that we were worried about you and it was obvious that something was going on with Julie after that day she came here and you ignored her. I had no one else left to try."

"Sammy?"

"Yeah. He probably wouldn't have told me but he was as desperate as the rest of us. Anyway he didn't tell me any of the details; only that it had happened, you'd called it off but were miserable about it."

"It sounds so simple when you put it like that." Gill sighed deeply.

"Why can't it be? Is is because she's a woman? You know that middle aged straight women having lesbian relationships later in life is actually a really common occurrence these days? I don't think many people would think too much of it." Gill chuckled at the earnestness behind Janet's reassurance.

"While I'm conscious of that fact I haven't actually been too concerned with Julie's gender or my own apparently fluid sexuality. It's just that after everything I've been through with Dave I'm still having a few issues with trusting someone again. I also didn't want to jeopardise our friendship but it appears that I already failed on that front."

"So what exactly is the situation at the moment?" Sammy hadn't been back in touch to tell her if he'd managed to make contact with Julie or not, so she was keen to find out exactly what had happened since.

"Oh Janet, it's all such a mess! She's leaving." Gill stopped herself short of letting out a muffled sob, she was determined not to get too emotional tonight.

"Leaving? What, The Job?" Janet would be very surprised, Julie lived and breathed the police force, there was no way she would quit over a soured friendship.

"Manchester. She's taken a secondment in London. For two years!" Gill fought to keep the tears out of her eyes. Dammit! She was not going to cry in the middle of the pub.

"Blimey!" Were things really that bad between the two friends that Julie wanted to go so far away and for so long?

"We said….we said that we'd see how it goes. Concentrate on getting our friendship back on track before we decide to try again if that's what I…we both…wanted."

"And is that what you want? A proper relationship with Julie?"

"Of course I do! I didn't want to send her away in the first place. I'm buggered whichever way I choose, my heart hurts like hell the way things are at the moment but I'm scared it will get broken all over again if we go for it and it doesn't work out."

"Surely your friendship is stronger than that?" Janet had always been a little bit jealous of Gill's friendship with Julie. She had already been friends with Gill for a while when Julie came on the scene and the chemistry between them had been obvious. On paper it really shouldn't have worked, Julie was a single woman, a semi-out lesbian and childless. Gill was a straight, married, mother of a young son. But somehow there was something between them that just clicked both professionally and personally and you couldn't have driven a wedge between them, until now that was.

"You'd think, but I suppose once you've crossed that line there's no going back." Gill had learnt that lesson rather painfully these last few weeks.

"It seems to me that you both need to move forward. Life's too short not to take that chance, you should know that by now. You've got a chance to be happy, surely it's worth finding out? You might never get another one like it. Dave buggered up your past and a good ten years of your life, don't let him bugger up your future too, it's not worth it, _he's_ not worth it."

**End Flashback**

* * *

Gill picked up the landline handset beside her and went to dial Julie's number for the forty-seventh time. She'd been putting off making contact for the last week, telling herself that Julie needed time and space to get herself settled in her new flat and job in London. For the first time since they'd become friends, Gill had no idea what she was going to say to Julie. She'd told her that they needed to repair their friendship first which made sense but it was going to be difficult knowing that there was an undercurrent of something more between them. Taking on board her conversation with Janet, she supposed she wouldn't know until she actually spoke to Julie.

"Gill!" Julie answered her mobile with no small hint of surprise in her voice, although it was a welcome one.

"Hiya Slap!" Gill smiled as she greeted her friend, it was a tentative but positive start. "Is it a good time to talk?"

"Of course, hang on a sec though, I'll call you back on the landline." The line went dead in her ear and Gill made herself comfortable on the settee in her living room. Julie left the half empty box she had been unpacking in her bedroom and took the pot of tea she'd just made into the living room. She poured out a fresh cup for herself and laid back on the settee before ringing Gill's house phone. "Hey you, it's good to hear your voice. For a while there I thought you'd forgotten about me." That was an understatement Julie had become increasingly melancholic as her first week in London had drawn to a close and she'd heard nothing from her best friend. She'd begun to wonder if Gill had yet again changed her mind about trying to make their relationship work.

"Yeah, sorry. I was a bit nervous about ringing you." It was silly really, they'd been friends for donkey's years and had never thought twice about something as simple as a phone call before. Gill had promised herself that she would be as open and as honest as she could be with Julie this time around, even if it was going to hurt or be slightly embarrassing to admit. After all, any relationship was based on good communication wasn't it?

"That's okay, I understand. How have you been?" Perhaps this honesty thing was going to be easier said than done? How could Gill put into words the thoughts that had been going round in circles in her head since Julie had gone?

"Okay, I think. Confused, missing you, suffering from heartache, headaches and insomnia. So all in all great!" Julie smiled wryly, pretty much as well as she had been doing then.

"Me too, I'm sorry." She was genuinely sorry but Julie was also convinced that she had made the right decision to press ahead with her secondment.

"Don't be, it's not your fault."

"It's not yours either, not really. I always understood why you chose to withdraw but I'd just hoped that we could work through it, together."

"Well I'm not going to make that mistake again. We're talking now aren't we?" Julie could hear the smile in Gill's voice and decided to change to a more lighthearted tone of conversation. Two hours later they had put the world to rights and had laughed until tears rolled down their cheeks. There was still a long way to go, but at least they had made a start.


End file.
